At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Fuck as most words in the English language is derived from German. The word "Ficken", which means to strike.

I always thought loving someone is the greatest feeling, but I realized that loving a friend is even better. We lose people we love, but we never lose true friends.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman ironing his shirts.

What's the difference between women and men? One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax? Add vibrato.

What is the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager.

A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Suspicious: If you love someone, set her free. If she ever comes back. Ask her why

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do