My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

They say women wear make-up and perfume because they are ugly and smell bad. Q: Why don't men wear make-up and perfume? A: Because they're ugly and smell bad and *don't* know it.

When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

Why it's better to be a Woman! We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

Does your name begin with: A You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up-front person. You often don't get hints and you never pass any. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate, as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern. You tend to be very selfish, and not very emotional. You and your needs matter most. Others and their feelings come second. Your choices aren't very good and can only lead to trouble. You are very self satisfied and egoistic.

When do you know a woman is going to say something interesting ? .... When she starts with "My husband said..."