My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

• Viagra now available in powder to put in tea, does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from going soft.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb? Only 1, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that that's not the way Earl (Scruggs) would have done it.

How long shall we be friends? Do you want a clue? As long as stars twinkle in the sky, till the water runs dry and till the day I die. We will be friends.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

Text messaging is like a blow-job off an amateur prostitute; short...sweet and always cheap!!!

Does your name begin with: S For you, it is pleasure before business. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never loose control of your emotions. Once you make the commitment you stick like glue. You could get jealous and possessive. You tend to be very selfish often regarding yourself as the only human being on the planet. You like being the centre of attention. You are very caring sensitive, private and sometimes very passive. Turned on by soft lights, romantic thoughts. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role, or any game. You take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along. You are very generous and giving, often selfless. You are kind natured and sweet, which is found to be attractive by many. You are a good friend.