I hate it when you leave, but I would like to see you go.

They say women wear make-up and perfume because they are ugly and smell bad. Q: Why don't men wear make-up and perfume? A: Because they're ugly and smell bad and *don't* know it.

# Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings.

"You call it madness, but I call it love."

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

• Viagra now available in powder to put in tea, does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from going soft.

Haven't I seen you someplace before? Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

"Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies."

Why do so many fishermen own banjos? They make great anchors!

Text messaging is like a blow-job off an amateur prostitute; short...sweet and always cheap!!!